The Bonedigger is an event.  It is not a competition.  It starts the night before and, for many, doesn’t conclude till late in the evening.  It is a marathon on a number of levels yet it is also a battle of skills.   On some level, it is a mating ritual.  On another level--- a testament to the passage of time.  One thing is for certain…..it goes by quick.  And the better the time had, the quicker the blink of the eye.

To the novice, it looks simply like a gathering of various folks of different ages, skill sets and motivations….and it is.  But to win, the little things that appear behind the scenes or are invisible to the eye can mean the difference between winning and losing.  The purpose of “Bonedigger for Dummies” is to share 15+ years of experience so that you have a better chance of laying claim to the title Bonedigger Champion!

Brief History

Often, by studying history you can learn a lot.  Unfortunately, this is not one of those times.  Technically, the Bonedigger started in May of 1992 when Chicago used to have a spring.  Joe Finley recruited a small band of talented derelicts which reportedly consisted of less than 20 people.  Joanie Denny won with Jim Hougo.  Jim Hougo didn’t play volleyball and rumor has it he never touched a ball since (his 1.000 winning % will never be beaten).  He was an “arch-i-tect” for crying out loud.  The details of that match are sketchy.  Carbon dating of artifacts share little information.  We know they had fire, music and alcohol.  Ultimately, there are two things that need to be learned from the first Bonedigger:

1.  Joanie Denny won the first digger and is still competing

2.  Scott Cousino lost to an architect

Besides Joanie, there are many past relics… I mean, winners from the 90’s still competing on a regular basis:  Joey DiMichele, Pat X, Todd Henson, Melissa Maloney, Randy Noren, Dan Anderson, and yours truly.  At this point, we’re kind of like token “ambassadors of the game”.  We’re on the verge of one of those lifetime achievement awards.  Most of us don’t have a chance in hell of winning---somewhat because we’d rather party like a reunion calls for.  The veteran Bonedigger knows that the best times at a digger are usually before, between and after games.

The Night Before

The night before is a topic of much controversy.  There are those who get wasted and party till 4 A.M. The list goes on and on, but Pete Kucera, John Brandeis and Gaye Macchini come immediately to mind.  Of those, only Pete Kucera, an ex-pro, has been able to pull off victory the next day.  Often, a late night burrito plays an important role-----not so much in winning, but somehow enabling attendance the next day.  Take this to heart: 

The night before can make or break you

There are those who will have bittersweet or sentimental epitaphs on their graves when their day is done.  “He was a good husband and father”…., “She always gave to the needy”…etc.  John Brandeis’ grave will read:  “I was a contender, but the night before can make or break you”.  Brandeis could’ve won a Bonedigger if not for the night before.  But nobody and I mean nobody can take away the good loving and late night burritos John’s enjoyed the night before a digger.  Folks, there’s always a trade-off in life.

As far as preparation, my “conditioning” for the Bonedigger literally starts the day I get the email from Marc telling when it is.  I immediately begin a vigorous workout regimen.  After one day, my granite-like will is broken and I realize the futility in my ways.  Skill can carry you far in a Bonedigger and lack of skill can cut you down faster than a lumberjack on acid.  Preparation is 2 parts physical, 3 parts mental and one part alcohol.  The Bonedigger is much like life:  Come physically and mentally prepared, know that chance decides much of your fate and if you’re off to a bad start, drink heavily.

What to bring

As for the day of, perhaps nothing is as important as what you bring to a digger event.  You’ve heard of desert survival kits?  Well, this isn’t that far off.  Some of the key items needed for a Digger are (and these are in order of importance):

1.Toilet Paper

2.A twelve inch, slightly curved polish sausage (men only)

3.Reflecting shades

4.A chair with a cup holder

5.Sun screen with instant tanning qualities

6.On-the-spot liposuction kit

7.Cell phone and a small tape recorder with the background sounds of a busy work office

8.Suppositories

9.Fig Newtons

10.  Anti-fungal Cream

However, I save the most important item for last.  Many people come up to me and say “Brent, you old codger, how do you keep playing despite being in lousy cardiovascular shape and extreme old age?”  After thanking them for the kind words, I say three words: Diet Mountain Dew.  Diet Mountain Dew is the elixir of life. It mixes well and contains caffeine.  Perhaps, there is no finer match at the digger than the battle between caffeine and alcohol for control of my brain. 

In contrast, one thing not to bring to a Digger are Oreo’s.  There’s nothing worse than all that black chocolate between your teeth when you’re posing for pictures. 

Eating Oreos on the beach can make you look like a

bad Al Jolson act (“Mammy!”)

The morning of

Your age communicates with you every day.  If you’re like me, you do your damn best to ignore it. When it comes to dealing with aging, I’m Helen Keller.  However, the morning of a Bonedigger, your age will not be ignored.  If you are over 40, partied hardy the night before and the temperature of the Bonedigger is 88 or hotter, don’t even think about winning.  Father time will boil your bunny if you try to ignore it.  There is an exception:  Joey DiMichele has a natural fur coat of hair that keeps him cool on the inside during the summer and warm in the winter.  Unknown to most, NASA once contemplated offering Joey a substantial amount of money for his Napolesian hair suit for the space shuttle exterior (the idea was later shot down later by conservative bureaucrats who imagined the shuttle would look like a big, hairy, flaming penis).

I don’t want to belabor this next point, but it’s really important to have a bowel movement before getting to the beach.  We’ll never really know what part it plays in winning, but winners look like winners and I’m willing to wager that a big part of the “winner’s aura” is not having to hold in a crap (i.e. sphincter contraction) or sucking in a Buddha belly.

The final key element of the morning of is where to set up once you get to the beach.  Setting up your camp is SO strategic: 

Don’t believe for a second that personal belongings are laid out randomly

If you are single, quickly determine who you want to go after and place your belongings strategically close.  If you want to be passive aggressive, admire from a distance--- a few yards away will suffice.  Be prepared to mark your territory early.  An imposing first strike is applying suntan lotion to the back of the subject of your desire with a slightly oscillating, freakish smirk of satisfaction. It sends the weak of loin for the hills.

Use your spot or lose it!  Rivals will be watching you and zero progress will result in your belongings slowly migrating away like continental drift (I’ve literally seen Kent Schlaefer’s chair & towel on the boat house roof by late afternoon).  Be aware there is statistical evidence to suggest there is a direct correlation between towels/chairs per square foot of sand and breast size.  Fair or not, figures don’t lie.

If you’re married, then you shouldn’t care (much) about this element and your strategy should focus on who brings the best late afternoon concoctions.  Never lose sight of your priorities.

The Pairings Makers

If Marc Kaplanes is the Bonedigger Tournament Supreme Being, then the pairings makers are the angels.  And as the story goes, angels have been known to fall.  If you don’t’ know the pairings makers, get to know them.  I like to lead off with Rodney Dangerfield’s “here’s $20, keep it fair”. 

Early on, learn the name of the players who are quasi-uncoordinated, pasty white or wearing pants.  If you are teamed with any of these types of folks, create a diversion and switch the pairings immediately.  Recognize the drunks and card players too.  Hint: They are usually one and the same (sorry Nick).  Stay away from the older folks after 1:00 P.M.   Their tank is running on fumes. When you’ve played in as many Diggers as me, the grudge matches are one of the highlights of the day.  It can also be a great tactic to change a “bad” pairing.  Stay away from overusing this tactic, however. Remember:

Pairing makers can be distracted as well as bought with money and/or sex

They have a reasonably tough job.  Replenish their drinks often, pat them on the ass gently but assuredly and bring them balloons filled with nitrous oxide.   

Secret Advantages

At some point, you may ask yourself why certain people do better than others when their abilities appear pretty similar.  I know I do. The following tips have been secretly coded in the Khabalah.  As a matter of fact, I can’t believe I’m giving this information away for free.  It is by no means an exhaustive list, but never the less, can help the astute practitioner achieve an edge:

1.High corn syrup-based Sports Energy drinks can turn you into a passing anchovy.  Too much adrenaline looks good on a great spike, but the plays that require touch become mirages in the desert

2.Drink a spicy Bloody Mary right off the bat.  The cayenne pepper helps release endorphins to help pain, hangovers and, on rare occasions, bad setting technique.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s that life is ENTIRELY about endorphin release.

3.Jack Gibbs Axiom: Act drunk.  Slur your speech, wear your sombrero crooked, leave sand all over your body, smile clumsily every second, fall down on the easiest plays, scratch your sack vigorously (and often) or dance to a song nobody else hears.  Sell it like an interview!  Jack Gibbs was the best at this and won many a digger with little scrutiny

4.Use sympathy or distraction ploys to undermine the opposing team’s determination.  When changing sides, mention how your puppy has leprosy or, under your breath, mumble comments about camel toe

5.Watch the flag over the boat house to see which way the wind is blowing (if you can see that far).  Due to cocktails, if you see 3 flags, pay attention to the middle one

6.Bolevich Rule I:  Raise the net if you’re playing quality, height challenged players.  “Does that net look a little low?…..here, let me fix that”

7.Bolevich Rule II:  Early in the match, after the opponent hand sets, even if the set is perfect, say “Are you going to take that?”  Mind games work!

8.If somebody on the other team is significantly better than the other three players on the court, get 3 shots of beer and make that person’s straight vodka.  Through out history, Vodka has been the great equalizer (See Napoleon & the Battle of Waterloo).  Of course, under no circumstances am I encouraging anyone to bring vodka to the beach, but if you are let me know

9.Spike the first ball as hard as you can over the net----preferably in. After that, you’ve delivered the message you are not someone to be trifled with

10. Manage your partner.  Determine where they like the ball set and passed.  If they continue to be a hindrance, Taser them and finish the match solo.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The Playoffs

If you are fortunate to make the playoffs, then you are at least one of the following 3 things:

1.Lucky

2.Playing really well

3.Annoyingly sober

To progress, you’ll need more luck.  Things to keep in mind are:

1.Guys have a tendency to cancel each other out; typically, the girls often determine the winners/ losers of playoff matches. 

2.There are little things, as an individual, you can do to help win in the playoffs, but I’m not running a charity ward here.  You’ll have to pay the kiddy for that kind of info, bitch

The Final

So, you’ve taken the above to heart, executed above and beyond, paid me & pairings makers off and made it to the finals.  Congrats!  The Bonedigger Final is one of the great moments in all of amateur, semi-drunken sports.  Those hanging around gather intimately around the court in close quarters (except Krall who’s wrestling everyone).  Much to the dismay of the crowd, either Marc or Russ has the bullhorn.  The crowd quickly assesses the underdog team and pulls behind them. If the Pope was on the favored team, be rest assured that he’d be booed.  It’s a tough crowd, but a fair one.  It’s essential that the crowd does not dislike you.

If you’re a guy, don’t serve the girl

If you’re the favorite, at this point, sportsmanship is in the spotlight.  Applaud the other team when they make a great play.  No tantrums, questioning calls, calling the other team for infractions.  One crack of sportsmanship decency and the crowd will be on you like news-starved paparazzi

If you’re a guy, don’t serve the girl

If you’re the underdog, play it up.  Work the crowd.  Be Jimmy Connors the last ten years of his professional career.  Psych yourself up, psych your partner up and for crying out loud, if the game starts to slip away, fake an injury------cramp, bad landing, hyper-extension---whatever seems fitting.  The crowd will rally behind you even more.  You’ll be the talk of town if you win and believe you me, the team with the lead will begin to feel the slimy grip of an impending choke.

Eventually, the game will end.  Win or lose graciously.  This leads me to my second from last point.  The Bonedigger event is ENTIRELY about fun.  You may come to win.  Period. But your partner and/or teammates have the right to drink to excess or play stress free.  Under no circumstances should you get on your partner for anything unless it’s for sloppy sex later in the night.  Leave the attitude at home and appreciate this extraordinarily organized, managed, attended and played day for what it is: one of the best times of the year.

If you’re a guy, don’t serve the girl

I had a last point, but I can’t remember it now. 

Good luck!

Brent Davies

Look for these other Sand Volleyball related titles from this author:

1)How To Win Without Jumping (1996)

2)Slow Moving, Sloth Bears Are People Too (1998)

3)Caveman Sand Volleyball, Bowling for Saber Tooth Tigers and Other Sports of Antiquity (2001)

4)How To Manipulate Your Partner Into Covering More Than His Share – The Todd Badstubner Story (2003)

5)“I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get Back Up”:  How To Bring Everyone Else’s Game Down To Your Level (2005)

6)MANGINA:  Man, Myth or Malaise (2009).  This investigative documentary delves into the reported existence of the legendary “Mangina”.  Examination of its tools (dinks, rolls, 2 ball over), reported sightings, and an in-depth interview with an actual MERKIN---long considered the missing link between Man and the Mangina.  Due out in June, 2009.